Big! Bad! Gay!
By: Lopaka Tanu.
Warning: Sexual situations, Violence, Language.
Spoiler: First Date Season 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Either K:TE or B:TVS.
Summary: Xander really should learn to just shut up.
Okay, so I was makin with the whole, 'I don't think this is a good idea' thing again, and then Wills says something like 'Fine!' Really, I wasn't sure exactly what she said as at the time I was leaning forward grabbing my stomach. It seems a demon had caught me in the belly, again. But it was fine, I was fine, other than a slight bruising. But hey, I'm still here, right?
See, before that, Willow had turned all evilly and all grrr, black eyes. And you know what, may be I should just start from the beginning. I mean, yeah, that would probably be best.
What happened was it began on a dark and stormy night, Willow was having one of her times of the month and that Kennedy girl just wasn't helping. So Willow did the whole take it out on the world around her. It was like the great flood again. By that I mean the year before when she decided to go on a major caffeine bender before her period, which as girls know, is a big no no. She ended up cleaning out Sunnydale, but those roaches and vampires just came back after it dried up.
Any who, Kennedy was yelling, Willow was yelling, and then suddenly we were all yelling. I had just come back from another miserable date. I was complaining about women, wishing I were a gay man, and Bitch... I mean Kennedy, agreed with me. Big mistake! Willow's eyes went black and she got this 'I'm going to flay you' grin. Next thing I know, there is a six hundred pound demon with horns everywhere pounding the shit out of Kennedy. Naturally I try to fight it off, but get thrown back anyway.
I landed on Willow.
She was pissed.
She smiled, I paled.
Stroking my cheek, she grinned. "Your wish is my command." And poof, here I am.
A flash of light, and I am suddenly in a cooler climate. San Francisco to be exact. I can tell by the street carnival and that big red bridge in the back ground. If there was a gayer monument, it would be that obelisk in DC. But that is a testament to men with small penises everywhere. Not that mine is small, far from it in fact.
Okay, next thing I noticed were my clothes. I knew something was off because these weren't my clothes. I had been wearing a shirt, dress shirt, jacket ensemble. Now I was in a pink frilly vest thing. Me, being the calm, level headed person I was, slipped it off with only bare minimum of fuss.
Okay, so I was screaming as I ran around in a circle flapping my arms saying "Get it off me."
Well, you would too. I mean it was a hot pink cowboy's vest with pink ruffle silk edges for god's sake.
Next thing I know, I am running head long into something, or someone as the case maybe. A guy in a leather jacket, with that rebel wanna be look. He was not alone. They were all in leather and ratty jeans. What I said next I swear to God I had no idea where it came from.
"Sorry, didn't mean to ruin your gay leather S&M fun. Go right on ahead with your whipping and leather and chains. I'll just be leaving."
If I could open a hell mouth and let it swallow me whole, it wouldn't have been fast enough. They were glaring at me and I oh God wish they wouldn't. Not because of the outfit, well that too, but because their eyes were going silver and their teeth... Holy Shit they were... are vampires. Eeeep, mommie!
I back up real slowly, turning and running like a little girl only makes them happier. Nice and calmly, I start looking for someone, anyone that could help me. Just so happens help found me. He was six foot, in a trench coat, and had a big gun pointing at the vamps behind me. To me at that moment he was as wonderful as a slayer.
All the vamps stopped dead in their tracks, a few even seemed to pale, neat trick for a dead guy. I smiled at him, and he turned the gun on me. I hold up my hands, he opens his coat and flashes his shiny police man badge at me. This can't be good.
"Jericho, get'em out of here." He has a mild voice, like it is amusing to see them chasing me. I look at his face, no flashing eyes or teeth. "You know about hunting in the fair district, completely off limits to the Gangrel."
The leader guy, whom I just happened to have bumped into a minute ago, smirks at gun toting cop. He puts up his hands in front of his chest. "We aint doin that. Just having a little fun with the local fruit." He looked me up and down and I shivered. "Besides, this one aint ripe yet."
Cop cocks the gun, he blows the knee cap off of the leader. Cocks again and shoot his other knee cap. "I told you about hunting in my territory. You! Flunkies! Get this piece of shit out of here." The vampires scramble and squirm to get their cursing leader out of there as cop reloaded his gun. Surprise, surprise, all the big parade float people around us are just minding their own business, like this goes on all the time. Yeah, may be in Sunnydale, not San Francisco, unless I have been misinformed.
As for the cop, I was getting the warm fuzzies just thinking about him. That was weird in a majorly not good way. I never get the warm fuzzies for anyone except Anya... Ew! The mere thought of her makes me ill, physically. Oh shit. Willow! Not good, not good, okay, not good. Need to think.
Detective guy is kinda cute.
Not that way!
Think breast, think tits, think those cute little nipple things that guy is wearing. Oh, dear God!
"Okay, pinky, you are coming down to the precinct with me for indecent exposure." He pulls out a pair of handcuffs and I feel a deep burning need to get the hell out of there.
"Uh, indecent, me?"
"No, little miss muffet, of course you." Before I can act on those spider senses, he grabs my wrist in an action figure kung fu grip and lashes out with his Jack Chan mojo cuffs and locks me in.
This is so not good. Need to think, someone that can help, anyone that can help. "Aren't you going to at least read me my rights?"
"You have the right to shut the hell up. If you don't, I will put my foot so far up your ass, you will be spitting size twelve's for the next two months. You can kiss ass all you want, but you won't get an attorney. Bitching, whining, moaning, and groaning will only make your boyfriend happy, so keep it to yourself. Is that right enough for you?"
"Yeah, thanks." I am so dead right now. Nothing to do but follow like the big pink pride float I am sure I look like. I am not looking down, I can hear the material as I move, and am pretty sure it has inel or cra in it's name. There are a few outraged fair goers as the cop shows his big manly badge to get through.
We are walking down hill to a parked car... that is painted pink and has a curly tail on it. I am guessing this guy is not going to be happy about this. In fact, I know he is not happy about it as he opens the back door and shoves me inside. He slams the door behind me, climbs in the front and takes off.
We barely miss a group of laughing drag queens in God awful outfits as he lead foots the accelerator. I am assuming they are the ones that did this to his car, and he will be taking it out on me later. I so don't want to be me right now.
Wills, would it help if I said I was sorry? I didn't mean that "I wish I was gay," line, honest. So what do you say, please?
We are heading down the street and he is eyeing me with something that makes me feel uneasy. It could be the fact that I swear his eyes just glinted silver for a minute. This is not a nice place to send a friend, Willow!
"You have a name?"
"My name is Xander. Why did you arrest me?" Okay, so my voice is partially mine once more.
"Oh, for the simple fact you were about to become lunch. If I hadn't done what I did, you would be dead. Do you know who you were messing with back there?" Okay, so now he is being Mr. Reasonable. I guess I can play along.
"No, why don't you tell me, since I get the feeling you were going to anyways." Ah, the taste of my own foot, how I love it.
"You're a real smart ass."
"So I'm told, pops."
"Ah, pops, that is a first. Then again I guess I shouldn't be surprised coming from one like you. Doesn't matter, little fairies always turn into bitter queens." He smirked at me in his mirror again. "Seems like you are peaking a little earlier than most."
"Speaking of peaking, keep your eyes on the road, keystone."
"Ooo, that hurt, I am bleeding on the seat."
"Don't make me get out the big guns."
The cop shakes his head at me, smiles and continues on down the road. I have no idea where he is taking me, but at this point I wouldn't care. "Those people back there were trouble. You need to stay away from them."
"And can I get a big no duh, Vanna?"
"Fine, your funeral. But just to be on the safe side, I am going to keep you in lock up until morning."
Fan friggen tastic, at least I will have time to think about what I am going to do next. Now we are coming to a small single story building where there are lots of cop cars and a few regular cars. Must be nice having all those cars, I wonder if Buffy would issue cars. He parks the car and away we go. Pulling me out, I like the fact that the cuffs were on around front, it makes man handling me that much easier. And I am going to hell cause that last statement makes feel all tingly inside.
There is some words tossed between him and the others in the immediate vicinity of the station. Things like "Got another one, Frankie?" "Nice boyfriend ya have their, Francine." "Didn't know you were into the bondage types, Frank." So I am guessing this guy's name is some form of Frank.
Inside the plain fashioned police station, he drags me down the center hall towards a place a lot of traffic is moving about. I am assuming that it's the "bull pen" as is referred to in the many cop shows I have been forced to endure by the potentials. Seems the cops usually have nice asses, which suddenly seems like a good reason to watch.
Turns out I was right. There are a lot of detectives here, then again, San Fran. Duh! Okay, he is about to drag me into the room, but stops. He looks directly at what I assume is his desk and there sits someone almost identically dressed to the ruffians from earlier. Great, the vamps are on to me.
"Look, new plan, you are just going to be put in lock up, I don't have time to book you."
"Does this have anything to with blonde and... good God!" I am having a flash back. It can't be. He is dead, wolfie Oz ate his undead zombie ass. I am so going to renege on all those promises I made with Willow all these years.
"So you know him?" Frank is looking at me like he is about to lay down some serious ass whooping.
"Is his name Jack O'Toole?"
Frank shakes his head no with a roll of his eyes. I shiver out of that déjà vu and stare at the guy coming our way. He is smirking at the detective, crossing his arms. Frank's hair is all but standing on end. Man this pissing contest is about to really heat up. "What are you doin here, Cash?"
"I heard you had a problem with a few of my kin."
"Great, I knew you were related to the Thunderbirds."
"Shut it, Kine." Spikey blonde looks at me like I have a serious problem with my face. May be after he is through... "Is this the princess that tried hitting on Jericho?"
"I am not a princess, pal!" Okay, I look about as threatening as a toy poodle, but I have to stand my ground.
Cash buys it for all of, not! "Aint that cute, it has claws." He lifts his hand exposing some wicked fingernails shaped for shredding little ole me. "So do I."
"Knock it off, he wasn't coming on to Jericho, I don't think anything would." Frank slaps me up side the head in anticipation of my remark. I don't like it, so Cash does it again before I can complain. Since when did it become beat Xander time? "Come on, princess, I am going to stick you in a nice safe cell where the big bad Kindred can't get to you."
"Frank!" Cash's voice carried an undercurrent of lethally pissed.
Frank flips him off and continues to lead me like a slave to the auction block. As we pass the zoo, the animals rattle their bars and make remarks about wanting a piece of my... now is not the time to think about American History X, thank you very much, Dawnie. "Here ya go." Frank opens the door to a cell that has somebody asleep on the top bunk under the covers.
"Uh, can't I get a cell all by my little lonesome?"
"Tonight is festival... well one of them. Something... who cares, you are here, and so are a bunch of other screaming uglies. We are already over booked. Be glad you get a bunk." Frank shakes his head as he leaves me with the cell mate from Zzzville.
At least it couldn't get any worse.
"Well, if it isn't the cotton candy version of Roy Rogers."
Oh no. She didn't. Willow wouldn't be that cruel.
"A pink thong in pink chaps." That accent does really get annoying. "Fan bloody tastic. What did you do to piss off the Witch?"
I turn slowly to face him and wish I hadn't. He is dressed like Billy Idol, spiked gloves, and mohawk. "Landed on her, what did you do, Spike?"
"Asked if she gained weight." I wince. He sits up on his bunk and I get a better look at his... package. Seems he doesn't have any pants on. "Next thing I know, the little bitch waves her hands of flying colors at me and poof, I am being spanked by some wanker dressed as bloody Dorothy Gale. Police bust in just as I am about to teach that sodding pouf not to touch my ass. They brought me here to *cool off*. I am going to kill that friggen ponce wanna be."
"Uh, no pants?" Very intelligent, Harris.
"Nope. Apparently they couldn't find them. Red has a vicious streak I could learn to like." As his eyes trail over my body again, I feel naked. "Hello, what have we here?"
"What?" Good, a distraction.
"Can't you hear it? Seems your pet detective is having a lover's quarrel with someone."
I turn to face the front of the cell as he slides off the bed. Don't need to see that. "Where?"
"Down there." He presses me against the cell door, as he points towards the end of the block. Oh God, oh God, oh God! He is pressing me against the cell door. Him, half naked, from the bottom down. Me, almost. I don't wanna be Spike's bitch! "Don't be so uptight, Harris. Look."
"So not the right thing to say, Spike." But I do anyways. He is right, apparently blonde and spiky is getting a little pissed at my boy, Frank. There is a lot of arm waving and hand gestures. Cash points at my cell and I freeze again. Frank shakes his head as Cash gets in his face. Frank looks away as Cash tries to explain something to him and...
Spike feels the need to do some running commentary. "They are arguing about you Harris. You apparently pissed off one of the big wigs before Frank took out his knees. Good show, copper. Oh, that can't be good. Too bad, I was really starting to like this Frank fellow."
Cash had grabbed Frank by the shoulders and sank his fangs in his neck. Oh shit! Cash pushes him against the wall of the last cell and... and starts to hump him like a dog.
"Well, that was certainly unexpected." Spike's breath is cool against my ear causing me to shiver.
Frank now has his legs wrapped around the blonde as Cash rips the crotch out of the cop's pants with the nails from earlier. It is starting to get a little warm in here. There is the unmistakable sound of a zipper and moan and they're doing it just a few cells down. And Spike is really starting to get turned on by this.
"Look at'em go," he whispers in a huskier voice. "Some people have no shame. Hey! Get a room, you two!"
Cash flips Spike off as he continues to suck and fuck Frank. Gotta admire that kind of multi-tasking skill. Speaking of fuck, "Uh, Spike."
"What?" His voice is a mixture of a low growl and something I can only hope is deep concentration.
"Get your dick out of the crack of my ass." There, that wasn't so hard. Ah, old mister lefty again, taste that toe jam, baby!
He leans in closer, rubbing his hardness up and down the cleft of my ass. Sweet merciful Zeus. That feels so damn good. And is just so wrong. I try to pass through the door, I visualize myself passing through the door.
"Like this, do you, Harris?"
That does it. One elbow sandwich, order up!
"Oh, bloody hell!" Spike growls as he jumps back clutching his nose. "What the fuck d'you do that for? That bloody hurt!"
"I told you back off, Spike."
"Oh right, like you weren't gettin off on it. I could smell you until you broke my nose."
I turn and glare at him. "Even if I was, which I wasn't, I had told you to back off. You need to listen... Oh knock it the fuck off!" I slam my booted foot against the cell door as I hear Cash moaning.
"You were to!"
"Was not." His eyes promise me vengeance. "Okay, so I was just a little. But it is something Willow did."
"Right, and I am the bloody tooth fairy."
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Did I just sound as pathetically girlie as I think I did?
"Oh come off it, you know what I mean. Magic can do a lot of things, make you fall in love with a lot of things, turn you into a lot of things, but attraction, un uh, can't do. That is part of free will." He has this really smug look on his face, in between wiping his blood away, which I want to wipe off.
"That is so... so... so not possibly horribly...." I can't speak, he is right, but that doesn't mean... "Then answer me this, how come I love An... oh God I think I am going to be sick." I grab my stomach and mouth to prevent the dry heave.
"Oh ho, what have we here? A little case of denial?"
"I am not denying anything. Willow did something to me so that if I even think about... ugh!" I bow down before the porcelain God again.
"Anya?" His innocent sounding voice is full of shit.
"Gah! Damn you, Spike, damn you to the nearest hell!"
"So you mean you can't even hear the name of that ex-vengence demon of an ex of yours without getting sick?" He sounds contemplative. That can't be good, I get up to grab something sharp to nail him with. "In that case. Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya, and Anya."
I am bowing again, oh yee mighty white and silver God. Hear me, thy humble servant, grant me respite from my torment.
I am going to kill that bastard, just as soon as my stomach stops churning. It was a lot of fun getting reacquainted with why I hate Spike. This just adds extra icing to that already frosted multilayered cake.
"Hey, you okay in there?"
Oh great, it's long fellow. "Yeah, but apparently not as good as you? Get your fill?"
He gives a slow growling laugh. One that sounds all to familiar.
"Yeah, but not as good as Frank, I bet." Comments from the peanut gallery.
Cash bangs on the bars of the cage as Spike smirks. "Mind yer own business, Kine."
"Hey, mate," Spike goes game face. "Watch who you call Kine."
"Oh fuck." A statement in the bored tone I associate with the late Jack O'Toole. God can this get any creepier? "One of you bastards. I otta stake you right now."
"Do it, and you will have a pissed off slayer on yer hands, mate."
Cash looks unimpressed. "A slayer, wow, you're connected. And here I assumed your people were smarter than that. I supposed next you will tell me you bagged the bitch too."
"Yeah, I shagged her a few times. Got her real good."
At that, it is my turn to speak again as Spike is too busy cursing me for kicking him in the nuts. "You stupid little vampire. Buffy is so going to stake your ass when we get back to Sunnydale."
"You two know each other? Should I leave you two alone for a little together time?"
"Listen, pal, I have had just about enough of this crap I can take. Get Detective Frank in here now. I want out so I can go home and debase myself in front of a witch."
He shakes his head as his body does the same from laughter. "You aren't getting out tonight. Especially not with Frank's help. Seems he is a little pissy tonight because I fed from him and he has to go hunting again. So you might as well cool your heels until sun up, which is about twenty minutes away, and you, along with all the rest, will get out with the shift change."
"Bloody hell! You mean I can't leave until I can be toasted by the sun?"
Cash rapped on the bars a couple times as he laughed. "Nope."
That might be important, but it could wait, I had something I had to clear up first. "By hunt, you mean what exactly?"
"He means the stupid get has to go out and feed from some unsuspecting bloke! Get with the program, Harris."
"Fuck sun, Suck Face!" Wait a minute. "Let me rephrase that, suck sun, Fuck Face. There, better."
"No, I think you had it right the first time. Don't worry, Frank will be here to let you out before the sun comes up. Childer are a little sensitive to the light during their first years." Cash looked at Spike again, flipped him off, then walked away.
"I really hate their kind."
"What kind? I thought all you vampires were the same."
Spike gives me one of his looks. "Sod off!"
Suddenly he is in front of me, eyes golden, and fangs hissing. "Watch what you say in here, mate. You just might get it."
"Oh, I am real scared, Spike. Listen, chip boy, if you so much as lay a finger on me, prepare your ass for a major pounding." And he is laughing, why is he laughing? Okay, what did we say? Thinking over last few lines and dear lord! Yeah, foot, in mouth, again. "You know what I mean!"
"That's right, you mean you are going to pound my ass." He is enjoying this, I can tell by that disgusting smirk he has on his face. The one that says, 'come hither and play a while'.
Since when did I understand Spike's facial features? Oh, God, nope, not happening. Before I can pound the hell out of Spike for the obscene things he is doing with his lips and hips, a pair of pants smacks him in the face. It is another cop.
"On your feet, asshole, and don't fight me on this, for I will win, again. Put them on, both of you are coming with me." He is a tall dark man, black with a hint of mystic. I think this is the ponce wanna be Spike was talking about for he seems oddly familiar with Spike.
He is giving the evil eye as Peroxide Vampire puts on his pants slowly. You are a tall, dark, and handsome devil. Yes, you are. And those eyes, oh my. One word, Raaoooww.
Okay, what slut hijacked my brain? I am thinking dark, nasty thoughts about vampires for god's sake! And I am speaking these weird things that only seem to serve to get me in trouble. I am feeling.... kinda liberated. Like that one time Anya and I got drunk. Now I am feeling like after she and I got drunk, especially the hurling part.
A hard hand hits my back, helping whack that nasty bile right out of me. "Just a little lower." That was not my voice! That was not! Not, Not, Not, Not, NOT my voice! I get a whack on the ass for the 'Not my comment'.
"Keep it to yourself, fun boy. I am sure your boyfriend here can take care of you later." Big and black is smirking at me. Fuck you.
What is this, smirk fest '03? Or is it just something pain in the ass vampires do? I really would like to know, but don't have the time. You see, Big and Black is lifting me over his shoulder like a surly wench and Spike is doing that festival thing, you know, smirking. Bastard. Note to self, nail him later. With a stake in the heart!
And we are stopping. Big and Black has set me down at the end of the block, handed me a pair of bright orange coveralls. "I am not wearing those."
"You will or I will leave you in that cell." He points to an over enthusiastic freak in spikes who is banging himself against the bars like a monkey.
"Fine!" I take the jump suit and put it on. Before I slip the second leg on, something cups my ass. Turning around, I come face to face with my pal, Frank. I give him my best, 'please don't eat me, Mr. Vampire' grin. His eyes glint silver, and I think I just soiled myself.
"Hurry up, the Prince want's to see you." Frank is lookin at me like I am something out of a bucket of extra crispy. I swear, if he licks his lips, I am going to scream like a little girl. I don't care about dignity. "We don't have all night."
"I am, just hold your ponies." Finally, I get the jump suit on. Big and Black walks ahead of us, and Frank behind. I can feel his eyes on me, crawling over my back to my neck. "Uh, Frank, say, just out of curiosity, have you eatin yet?"
"No." There is a kind of desperation, and disappointment in his voice that makes me want to do the dance of wiggins and creepies. You know, the part where you make disgusted, fearful sounds as you move and shake as far and as fast as you can to get away from the creepy person. Sorta like one of those zombies from the Thriller video having a seizure.
Speaking of zombies, here is our favorite look alike. Cash takes one look at Frank and pulls him aside. Thank God. We keep moving down the cell block to the same place I came in from. There are only a handful of cops, something must have happened. But at this moment, I couldn't care less.
"Uh, Big and Black, where is everyone?"
He gives me a look like I am a small yapping dog he wants to punt for a field goal. "The name is Detective Sonny Toussaint."
"Yeah, that is nice, so, Sonny, where did all the cops go?"
Growling he pushes me towards the front of the station. I feel like I am heading to my own execution. That's right folks, dead man walkin. In Spike's case, quite literally. And more on that note, why does he get those really nice leather pants, and I am stuck in prisoner orange? This is just so unfair.
Okay, time for a new outlook on this whole experience. So I am sent to another city, I learn there are other types of vampires out there. This is cool, I mean Giles warned us there were different types. I just didn't think about it before because all vamps we met were kind of all the same. Evil.
These guys, so far, seem like the Sears version, the softer, gayer side. That I can handle. I am all over that. In a strictly metaphorical means of speaking. Gay? Who, me? I don't think so. Got it? Good.
Next order of business, a prince? Time to gather some intel for the Buffster. I mean once we kick the first's ass, there will still be baddies out here. "So who is this prince?"
"A bloody pouf, probably. Just like the rest of them here."
At that, Sonny actually laughed, something I really liked to hear more of. Not going there, I told you. "Not even close. Only the Gangrel, as far as I can tell, have a thing for same sex relationships. Got nothing against it, men just do nothing for me."
Spike, in his arrogant way, looks Sonny from top to toe. "Coulda fooled me, mate. I would swear you were one of the friggen nancy boys floatin around here." In the next instant, Spike found himself kissing concrete, Sonny's foot in the middle of his back holding him down.
"You will never speak of my partner or prince in such a disrespectful manner ever again. If you do, I have a stake with your name on it, vampire." Sonny's growl just made him look all that much hotter. I mean, he looked pissed.
Spike is a friend of Buffy, so I have to defend him. "No, stop. Please wait, don't hurt him." Okay, so I said it in a low, drone tone, but at least I said it. Rolling my eyes, I sigh. There has got to be a better way to spend Tuesday night.
"Oh, such enthusiasm."
"Can the sarcasm, Spike, it is the best you are going to get from me."
Sonny let his foot off, and Spike jumped back up, shaking the dust from his leather shirt and pants. "Sounds to me like you two are bitter ex lovers."
"Me and him? A vampire? You must be joking."
"If you toss your hair, pet, you just might pull off the imitation of that Cordelia you were so fond of."
"That does it! Get me a stake, it is lights out for you, fang breath!" Okay, I am really going to do it this time. "Spike, you are so dead!"
"And Buffy too. My we are the little vixen tonight." He is dancing just beyond my reach, like a boxer at the ready. Before we know it, we are at the entrance pushing open the doors, and he is running back into my arms screaming.
"I got you now, Spike. Sonny, open the door! Let's see how he likes getting a tan."
But of course, Sonny is too busy laughing. "What's the matter, vampire? I thought you liked to smoke."
"Oh, hardy har har. You're a real Monty Python." He speaks as he puts out a little brush fire on his back. Damn.
"I don't think that is quite what Smokey the Bear meant." I laughed as he glared between hitting the smoking bits. "So, back to my question. Who is this Prince?"
"Prince Luna is a man of great patience and noble inclinations. He has ruled us wisely for over a decade. And if you have any ideas about disrupting that peace," he looked pointedly at Spike, "then I suggest you lose them, immediately."
"I've got no problems with your prince. So long as I get to leave unmolested."
"The same goes for me." I look back down the hall to where Cash is holding Frank. Frank looking at me with wide silver eyes, licking his lips. "Any further that is. Uh, can we just, you know, go. Cause Frank is looking a little hungry, and I seem to be the only one on the menu."
"Well, you stupid get, I would love to get out there, but you seem to have forgotten the small matter of the sun rising." He turns to look at Sonny. "I thought Cash said Frank would get us out before that happened."
"Things change." He threw a coat over Spike's head. "Keep your ugly mug covered, and you should be just fine." And then he threw open the doors of the station and walked out into the sunlight. Color me surprised!
"Uh, Sonny. I thought you're are a vampire." And I think that was the wrong question to ask.
"I am a Kindred. Vampires are vicious, mindless beasts."
"Ah, thanks for clearing that up."
"Don't mention it. Come along."
Okay, so they can walk in daylight. Let me be the first to soil myself and scream in terror. It is as I start to walk out, that a hand wraps around my arm. Turning back, I have that unsettling moment of knowing what a BigMac feels in the middle of a group of potentials. "What do you want?"
Cash looks at me, air of impatience. Big whoop. "Frank needs your help."
"Hey, I won't donate for the red cross, what makes you think I will for a vamp?"
"Because I asked nicely." I can see the muscles under his jaw working as he tries not to belt me one. Gee, guess they really don't like being called vamps. Too bad. "Look, he just needs a little, unlike vampires, we don't drain our victims, only taking what we need. It will be painless, in fact, you will feel great."
"I don't think you understood me, so let me spell it out for you. No!"
He gets angry, and starts doing the weird silvery eyes. "You will offer him..."
"Not in this life time, pal." I turn and walk out as he gapes at me. What? He is acting like I just sprouted a singing crocodile out my butt. And as things go, that might not be so hard to believe.
"How in the hell did you do that?" Ah, astonishment, never a good thing.
"Do what?" Back to whiny teeny bopper mode.
He grabs my shoulder, coming out into the light of day. "Look into my eyes."
"Sorry, you aint the Mas... you aren't my type." Okay, that one was a little close. Time to ditch this guy. I hold up a home made cross, my fingers, and pray to God this works.
He looks at me, then laughs. "Even if that was a real cross, it wouldn't work." After smacking me on the back, he acts like he didn't just knock my spleen out. "We aren't vampires."
"And a resounding, no duh." It's like dating Cordelia all over again. Except without the whole kinky not-sex part. And thinking of sex with Cordelia is suddenly making me nauseous. Oh wonderful. So it is not just the one ex, it is both. Okay, I get! What about that supermodel from two nights previous in my dream.... and I am clutching the wall. Cool wall, good wall.
"Are you okay?" Suddenly Mr. Not-Vampire is all caring. Wouldn't want tainted food for the children. Seems I was repeating oh God, while clutching at the wall and my stomach. I see nothing wrong with that as I do it all the time.
"No, I am not all right! I am being propositioned into donating for a good cause by a blood sucking creature of the night. What could be wrong with that?"
He claps me on the back, all smiles. "That's the spirit."
"I was being sarcastic."
"So was I." His eyes do that silvery thing again as I roll mine. "Just a question, why isn't this working?"
"Why isn't what? And would you stop it already, you look really moronic." I start back for the entrance, and he is blocking my way.
"Why can't I capture you with my eyes."
"And very pretty eyes they are, when they aren't doing that whole silvery thing."
"Would you just leave the sodding boy alone. He is enthralled to another already. Are you satisfied? Now can we go before I turn into a cinder?" Spike in his coat covered body, is standing in the door way, glaring at us through a button hole. I could make so many jokes about this right now, but he does have a point.
However, blondie has other plans as he turns to confront Spike. "Enthralled to another? Who?"
"Okay, I've had enough of this." I smack blondie headfirst into the wall, and storm past his sprawled form. "So now where is our ride? Or do you want to wait for Cash to wake up and continue to ask stupid questions about the master?" And I know I did not just say that.
Spike has this 'I told you so' look in that button holed eye. "Right, let's go then."
We walk along aimlessly until I have a sudden insight. "Where is Big and....I mean Sonny?"
"I told you, I would take care of that ponce wanna be. No worries, mate, I know where we're going." The coat shakes a little as he adjusts it around his head, then he starts off again in another direction.
"You kicked the crap out of a cop? A Kindred cop?"
"Yeah, what of it?"
"We are so dead." I start to crack up as he leads us to one of those old fashioned lincolns, the ones about the size of a yacht with tinted windows. "Those Kindred are about as effective as tissues."
"Not really." His voice is disinterested as he lifts a sleeve out to me, the keys dangle out the end. "Unlock and open the door, I can do the rest." As I do it for some reason unbeknown to me, he continues on. "They are a helluva lot stronger then they appear. You just caught that one off guard."
"Fine, that makes sense. What about this walking in day light business? I thought Vampires couldn't." As I open the door, he jumps in through to the passenger side. I follow into the driver's seat, closing the door.
"Right, they aren't vampires."
"Then what the hell are they?"
"Spike, that makes absolutely no sense. And I am not going anywhere until you do." Sitting back, I cross my arms.
"Fine, but when that Cash comes around, it is your precious ass he is going to be hunting down." After a silent sigh, I crossed my arms. "Oh for... Kindred are an ancient form of Vampire. In the beginning, there was one Vampire, created when a demon shared his blood with his priest before the dimensions completely separated. This priest turned into the uber vamp. He traveled the world making an army of them, then the Slayer was created to stop him.
"As she killed the first vamp, he infected her with his blood. She didn't die right away, because of her demonic part, she became a Kindred. Before she changed, she gave birth to a boy that when he died twenty years later, arose and became a vampire. She was later killed by her successor, another slayer, but not before she passed on this wonderful gift to a banished ancestor of the Hebrews."
That was news. Giles is going to have a field day over this one, assuming he doesn't already know. "And who might this ancestor of the Willows of the world be?"
A smirk. "The one and only, Caine."
"Ah, gotcha. So all these clans of Kindred were his fledglings?"
"Childer, and no, he only had three before he disappeared. They in turn had others, created a city that became the center of all evil, blah blah blah, there arose twelve clans, then became seventeen, the end. Now can we please go?"
Before I could ask any more questions, I hear my name being screamed as a pissed off Cash runs our way. "Okay, starting car." And I do, slam it into gear and we are riding out of the parking lot in style. Yeah, too bad Cash has a motorcycle. "Oh crap. Any more bright ideas, Bleach Boy?"
"Yeah, pull over so I can suck you dry."
"Spike! Now is not the time for sexual innuendo."
"Oh get bent!"
"Really? I thought it was kinda funny myself." I put the pedal as far down as it will go and fly down the streets. Amazing there are very few people out as just an hour ago it was flooded with them celebrating whatever festival they celebrate here. "Can we focus on something along the lines of a plan. We are driving around San Fran in a stolen car, being chased by a vampire that can walk in the daylight. This was not covered in the Scoobie Handbook on how to be a better slayerette."
"Try the Junior Wood Chuck Hand Book."
"That book those three ducks carry around, like a boy scout... Forget it! Keep yer eyes on the road, Harris."
I swear, if we get out of this alive, I am taking away Spike's TV. "You have been here before, which way?"
"It's been a few years."
"Almost a century."
"God damn it! Now you tell me. When I stop this car I will find a way to kill you." I am a little pissed. Need to think calmly. Focus, try thinking like Buffy. "What would Buffy do?"
"Probably stop the car and kick some Kindred ass."
That does it! I slam on the brakes and face Spike. Before I can lay into him, the car shudders violently as Cash is thrown into the back seat through the window. "God fucking damn it!" I pick up the spiky blonde's head and growl in his face. "Do you mind? I am about to tear him a new asshole!" Slam his head into the little hill of the back floor board for good measure, do it again, once more with a little more feeling, then turn back to Spike. "Say one word, just one, and I will roll down the windows."
He holds up his hands in submission, pulling the coat back over his head. Smart vampire.
As I climb out of the car, I know I am ranting about how stupid these blood suckers are. I slam the driver's door, and open the back. Pull out the unconscious Kindred, kick him a few times, then slam back door. Open driver's door again, climb in, glare at Spike, and put the car in gear. "Was that Buffy enough for you?"
"Well, too bad, I am all you have." Time to get a little direction. San Fran is south of SunnyD. The sun is coming up to my left and we are going the wrong way. In a bit of spitefulness, I turn right, letting the sun in through the back window before I completely turn around. Once we are headed north, and out of the city, I want more information. "Okay, Spike, I will only ask once. As the sun is now on your side, your death is only a button push away. Explain to me in better terms, how vampires and Kindred are related."
"Bloody hell! You are expecting..." Sound of whirring electric window motor. "It is all Lilith!"
"The first slayer, second wife of the first Hebrew." He glares at me as I move my hand off the button.
"In the time as the dimensions were just finishing their separation, the world was in complete chaos. Man was not the dominant species, there for easily turned towards the darkness of powerful influences. A single man, given the power of a demon, could rule as a God. Many joined the ranks of these demon/man hybrids.
"So many, in fact, that man began to believe his days were numbered. It was in this time that three shaman came up with a plan. The blessed virgin wife of their chieftain was to be given the powers of a demon. Not just any demon, but one that was the bane of those that existed around it.
"What they did not know was this girl was no virgin, but had laid with her husband the night before they performed the ritual. When she was given the soul of this demon, she took on many of it's physical characteristics. Some of which were silver eyes and clawed fingers. Her child was not gifted with these abilities, but was given her strength.
"From there she was sent out to the world, these shaman her watchers. They recorded her abilities, marking where her human side ended and the demon took over. In time she had rid most of their lands of the demon spawn, but a few had eluded her grasp, including the Master Uber Vamp. After a few months her condition became visible and the unborn child cursed as a demon spawn. In order to spare her child, she killed two of her watchers and went free."
"So she pulled a Buffy?"
"Notice that did you?"
I growl and put my hand to the window control. "Continue, Spike."
"While on the run, she came across a nest of the ubers, she killed them, and found the Master. They fought, he bit her, she bit off his head. Typical slayer reaction. She was infected from ripping his throat out, her demon side provided her little immunity to the infection. However her unborn child was almost human, thus became a ghoul or prevamp human. Soon after she gave birth, and decided to return to her people. She knew she was turning, and wanted her child to be safe.
"As she returned, she found her husband had remarried, her people all but dead. She gave her husband his son, and fled into the night. He raised the child as the younger son to his half brother, Caine. Years passed and they grew into adult hood. One day, over a dispute of jealousy, Caine killed Abel, and three nights later, Abel arose as the first vampire.
"For the murder, Caine was banished. The first slayer, by this time, had completed her transformation into the first Kindred/Vampire. She had come to see her son, arriving in time to see him rise from his grave. In anger she tracked Caine down and shared her little wonder blood. He changed in a matter of hours into what looks like the movie version of a vampire. Not this Anne Rice crap, but them old silent type films. The fangs, claws, snowy skin, and no hair. Shortly after that, the new improved version of the slayer came knocking on the first's door and killed her."
He crosses his arms and sits back. "There, now you know the story of our creation."
"Some of it, but I will let it slide. Now for my next question, where did you learn this?"
"Angelus. He learned it from Darla, and she learned it from the old master. Where he learned it from I don't know or care."
"That's nice, and you were going to tell us this when?"
At that, he looks away, his face saying he realized his mistake.
"Weren't supposed to tell me were you?"
"No, and if you tell that blasted slayer, I will kill you."
"I am shakin in my boots, Spike. You can't expect me to be afraid of you, or have you forgotten about the chip."
There is a moment of pause. "Fine, new plan." He taps his fingers, hums a ditty, and clears his throat like a million times.
"I can't think of anything."
I won't say anything. I won't. It is a major victory to getting him to admit he can't think in the first place. "Too much pain?" So they have a seat warming for me in hell.
I guess may be not. Does it count if the person is too stupid to know that you insulted them? "Nothing, forget I mentioned it. About how far would you say we were from Sunnydale?"
"I dunno, about another hour, why?"
"We have company." Like the... vampire he is, he turns back and glares out into the day light. "Yeah, smart move Spike, let the biker gang know we see them. When they pull us over, I am going to let them make you their new bitch."
"Oh, stuff it, Xander!"
"It's Xander now. Wow, it only took you five years."
"And it will be another five if you don't get this bloody car moving faster." His face is comically contorted in anger.
"What's the matter, I thought leather men were your type."
"Sod off, ya bloody ponce." This is getting funnier by the minute. Now if those bikers weren't after us, I would be laughing my head off. As it is, I feel like giggling like a giddy school girl. "How can you laugh at a time like this?"
"Because it helps. You have your whiny broody bitchy thing going on, and I laugh. Now, unless you have something useful to say, shut the fuck up."
He looks at me in shock, eyebrows raised. "Excuse me? Did you, the meekest of the Scoobies, just tell me of sod off?"
"I said, and I quote 'shut the fuck up.' Now do it!"
Sitting back in a huff, he watches the road ahead of us. "Fine. Don't mind me, I am just a whiny broody bitch. Not like I know anything, I only lived over a bloody century."
"Spike, I swear to God!"
"Oh, now you're calling in the big boys..."
"That does it!" After we crest another hill, I slam on the brakes. Turning to glare at him, I take in that smug look of satisfaction, the one that says he knows he got under my skin. As I reach out for him, I have no idea why I do it. I want to strangle him, but my body ignores me. Damn body, bad body, no, we are not kissing Spike. I am not kissing Spike!
Okay, so I am kissing Spike.
Eyes wide, staring directly into those stunned by smug ones of my nemesis. Before I can force my delinquent body back, we are slammed against the dash board, again and again. Hello biker people, having a moment here! Why is it that evil never waits for a convenient time? That thought stops as I get slammed into the dash once more as another biker joins the dog pile at our back bumper. What else can go wrong?
Well, Xander, I'm glad you asked that. Cause you see, right now over head we have a thunderstorm. And it isn't like those normal ones, no sirrie. This is one of them magically induced mothers that can flood entire cities in a matter of minutes. Yes, these storms suddenly come up outta no where, and can strike at any occasion. That is all for now, back to you, Xander.
Thank you, Ms. Fortune, it is always nice to hear from you. Okay, so it is not exactly bad luck as now Spike can escape the car. That works out just fine for him because you know that extra speed vampires can do. However, little ole me is stuck in snail pace. Guess I better hot foot it out of there then.
I push Spike away from me and climb off the dash, steering wheel prints in my ass. That is seriously going to be hurting later. If there is a later. Right now my priorities are in this exact order: escaping killer biker Kindred, getting decent clothes, debasing myself in front of Willow so she will take off that 'no women in sexual context' block in my mind, then killing said witch, nailing Spike, and worrying about ass pains after that.
I swear I am my own worst enema ... enemy! Enemy!!! Damn that Blink182 CD. Damn them all! I am cold, I am now wet, I am being hunted, and now I want my mommy.
"Well, if it isn't Snaggle Puss."
"Oh, how original. Here I was thinking that my life was really in danger when really it was only my faith in the American school system." One of the many biker demons is my old buddy, Jericho. "Shouldn't you be out building a beer can pyramid from the ones you didn't crush on your forehead."
"Very funny, princess."
"Oh, that stings. The extra from the trailer trash episode of Cops is calling me names."
Next instant he is standing directly in front of me, eyes flashing silver. "You will learn to respect your elders..."
"Whoo damn! Don't you brush after eating? Sewer rat, not an attractive smell." His fellow gangbangers snicker at my comment, that is never a good thing in the movies. Apparently not here either as is example by the way he is trying that weird eye mojo on me. "I think you should really get that looked at. Maybe even try contacts. Just a suggestion."
"I am seriously considering killing you where you stand, princess."
"I think that would be a bad idea, Jerko."
His nostrils flare as he leans into me, finger poking my chest. "You had better watch what you say to me, Kine."
"Okay, first of all, let me just say, OW! Stop poking me with your hard thing. Second of all, I can't believe I just said that to the ugliest guy I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Third, if you could kill me, you would already have done it. Fourth, I don't think so."
He is doing the evil bad guy laughing thing again, could he possibly get anymore cliched? I am thinking not. "You don't think so?"
"Uh, no." Which is followed by something akin to fear spreading across his face before his knee caps get blown out for the second time in four hours. Of course, me being so close to this idiot, I get covered in his bits and pieces. Lovely. "Perfect timing, Frankie."
The shot gun cocks again.
"Okay, sorry, Frank."
Frank squints at me from under his hooded biker jacket, sunglasses lowered. "You really do need to learn not to piss him off."
"Yeah, well that is like telling the sun not to rise."
"The sun doesn't rise, that is only our perception of the event." Big, fangy grin.
"Smart ass." Cash walks up beside him, smacking him in the back of the head. "Jericho! I thought Frank told you to leave him alone."
"I don't fucking listen to childer!" He screams as Cash steps on his broken knee cap, which is already healing.
"You do if they are your Primogen's own." Cash holds up a hand to ward off the silver eyed Frank. "Stand fast, childe."
"You are mine, do as I command!"
And I think I need a new thong cause this one just went bad. If my assumption about their titles is correct, Cash is the head honcho of this group. That would mean I pounded the shit out of the head of their leader. And I am sounding sluttier by the minute.
Frank appears physically cowed by his sire, but his eyes are revealing a hellcat in disguise. That boy is one who doesn't like to be told no. Just so glad he is on my side.
"Needless to say, you were warned, Jericho. For defying my childe, which is defying me, your punishment is to merge with the Earth until such time as I recall you to San Francisco. Starting now. Beat it!"
Jericho looks about to protest, but complies with Cash's orders, the earth beneath him opening and sealing after he sinks into it. Nothing left but the plain ground like nothing was disturbed. Now I think I can freak.
I jump when I feel a presence at my back. Then I am ready to kill when I realize it is Spike. "You even touch me, Spike, and so help you God."
"Don' worry 'bout it, Harris. I aint the one that will be touchin ya. At least not yet anyways."
"Okay, what in hell does that mean?" Before I can turn to lay him flat on his ass, Cash and Frank step towards me, the group of Kindred bikers with them. "Uh, guys?"
"We can't have you blabbing about us to the slayer." Cash is smiling. I don't like that smile. Why don't I like that smile? "Our prince has issued a no kill order on you unless we can't help it."
"So what does that mean, you take me back to your fairy kingdom by the bay?"
"No, we don't imprison Kine if we can help it." Frank steps past Cash, lowering his hood. I didn't realize how pale his skin was last night. I wonder if that is a side effect of not enough... "There is only way around that fate. You have to be made to forget."
"Uh, the last time I checked, you guys couldn't do the whole mind fuck on me." I am backing away from him slowly, hands up, and scared shitless.
"There is also a way around this. Daedalus told me." There, see there, he is actually getting excited by this. Damn him. "It just so happens we can help each other."
"What happened? Couldn't you have fed on some poor unsuspecting person there in San Francisco?" And I back right into the arms of one of the biker Kindred.
"No time, I didn't realize how late it was. By the time Cash and I were through, the sun had risen and I was forced to return back to the station. I couldn't very well eat my fellow cops, now could I?"
"I dunno, I hear they taste like bacon and donuts." More snickers from the peanut gallery and Kindred. Even Frank smiled at that one.
"No, Xander, we didn't have time for me to hunt. After your sudden departure from the station, we were summoned to the Prince by that dirt sucking Jericho as a distraction while he went after you. Julian decided that you were to be made to forget, that Spike was to go free as he knows the penalty for revealing the masquerade."
"Couldn't I just be trusted to keep your secret too?"
"No." From both Frank and Spike.
"Fine, Spike, your ass is dust when we get back to SunnyD."
"You won't remember, mate."
Frank is now directly in front of me. "At the risk of sounding like a cheesy movie. Vook indo my veyes." As I do, there is some tingly going on at the back of my mind. Before I know what is happening, he is leaning over, kissing me. A moment more, his kisses are moving down from my lips to my neck. The moment his fangs hit home, I feel it all the way to my groin.
"Whoa...." And I do something I have not done since I was in the seventh grade. I cream my jeans. Totally, and utterly. Before I can even think of being ashamed, he lets go, looks into my eyes again, and it all goes dark.
As I come to, there is something strange going on here. I feel as if something important has happened. There is something, but the memories about the past day are kinda hazy. Right now I am in a car with Spike, laying in the back seat. It is a large station wagon, something my mom's Mom would have driven. Next thing I note is that it is dark.
"Uh, Spike, stupid question, where are we?"
"Down the street from the slayer's place."
"How did we get here ... no wait, it is coming back to me. That nice cop helped me after Willow did her evil Willow mojo on us. I can remember him arresting me to save me from those ruffians. After that it is kinda fuzzy, I didn't happen to be exposed to some form of illegal intoxicant did I?"
"Actually, yeah, you did. Started mumbling about vampires to the whole bloody station. I was certain you were going to get me killed, sodding get!" He is huffing indignantly, something I know he does well.
"Ah, k, now how did we get this old clunker from hell?"
"Your copper pal was nice enough to let us borrow it for a while, I have to take it back in a week." He spins the steering wheel as we pull up at the Summers Manor. "Look sharp, we are here."
"That's nice." I sit up and open the door as he stops the car. The moment I poke my head out, I can here the screaming coming from the house. When the entire building shakes on its foundations, I decide it is safer in the car. "Uh, we can come back later."
"Right." He puts the car back in gear and pulls out of he drive way. "Your place?"
"Sure, I don't see why not." As he chauffeurs me through Sunnydale, a thought occurs to me. "Spike, did you and I do something?"
"What do you mean?" He looks at me through the review mirror.
"I mean, my legs are sore like that time I tried doing the splits for An... Oh God!" I am dry heaving again, mustn't forget about that no Anya.... Ugh! Once I was under control again, I tried again. "I mean I feel like I have had my legs spread for a while and in unusual positions. Does that sound familiar?"
There is a small chuckle escaping his lips as he watches me through the mirror.
"Right, okay. Spike?"
And I know I will regret this. "Care to tell me what I was doing?"
"Well, it wasn't like you were doing the doing, more like the one being done."
"Ah, I see. And you just proved my belief that you were a sack of evil crap that takes advantage of people half out of their minds. People, whom in their right frame of mind would never even think about, much less do ... that with you."
"Hey! Now I resent that! You were more than in your right frame of mind. As a matter of fact, I seem to recall you screaming my name more than once."
"Wanna make a bet?"
"You're on. When we get to your place I'm going to prove to you that I aint all talk." After a minute he slams his hand on the steering wheel. "Bloody hell, my bike is back at Buffy's."
"What does that half to do with..."
"We are talking about riding a motorcycle, right?"
I look at him paling. "You meant riding a motorcycle, I thought you meant ... that you and I.... and I.... I think I will wait for death back here, thank you very much."
He has a good laugh at my expense, something I am ashamed to say kinda turned me on. However, his next sentence was as welcomed as it was unexpected. "Does that mean you want to ... you know, with me?"
"Ride your ... um, bike?"
"Yeah, my. ... bike."
"I dunno, I hear those things are hard to handle. Do you think I can take it?"
"Well, I'm not sure, it is a rather large bike after all."
"Okay. I can do that." So I just gave permission to screw me. Let me be the first to say Yippee! And, yes! Go me. Another thought occurs to me as we arrive at my place. "Spike, how come when I think about that cop, I feel like smoking a cigarette?"
"Oh, that, you and he kissed. He nuzzled your neck. You came in yer pants. Had I known you would react like that to his kiss, I wouldn't have let that sodding ponce near you."
"Hey! Don't talk about the Master that way!"
"Shut up or no sex for you." Master? What the hell. I don't think I even want to know.