Having My Baby!

Lopaka Tanu

I own nothing.

For Maria, You asked for it!

Based on *her* characters.

Summary: The Circus comes to town, and everyone is invited.

Pan in to the crowd cheering shouting Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. We see the camera come up the isle to focus on the face of Jerry Springer with a microphone and index cards.

"Greetings and welcome folks. Today my guests are freaking ugly... I mean bleached white trash... oh this is not coming out at all." He places his forehead in his hands as the audience cheers and claps. "Okay, lets start over. Welcome back to my show, this one promises to be one you'll never forget, no matter how much of your brain you have lobotomized. Which isn't much because you have to had already been through the operation once to even consider watching this program."

Sweat pours down his brow as his stage director gives him the beheading sign. "Okay, lets get on with this freak circus. My guests all have something in common, besides the obvious that is." Boos fill the sound stage. "Oh come on, just look at them for Christ's sake." He thrusts one hand towards the stage. "They make Clive Barker movies seem like seasame street."

There is an uproar on stage as fighting brakes out. The audience goes wild as the producer threatens the camera men's families if they don't cut to commercial.

Five minutes later.

"Hi, I'm Jerry Springer, and today's topic is 'should certain people reproduce?' No, seriously folks, today's topic is really, 'I am having a baby and you are the father'." He waits for the boos and hisses to cut back to a minimum white noise. "My first guests are a the happy couple of Vecchio and Vecchio. From one of the most bizarre love triangles I have ever heard of, and that says a hell of a lot, welcome our main couple, Stella and Frannie Vecchio."

The crowd starts to go nuts as he announces Stella, but instead a loud "Hunh?" rings out.

"Yes, that is right folks, Stella and Frannie Vecchio, you heard it hear first." He looks around in shock at the stunned silence. "What is your problem?" A man holds up his hand. "Yes sir, perhaps you can tell me what your problem is."

"Are you sure those are women?"

"Yes, can't you tell?"

"No, that one looks like a predator with-out the mask and the other... well, damn!"

"Which is which?"

"The dark haired one with the green skin is the predator."

"What do you have to say about his opinion of you, Frannie?" Jerry smiled as the man cringed.

Frannie tossed a large braid over her shoulder as she trained narrowed eyes on the hapless audience member. Her dark black colored lipstick caught the light and the audience cringed. For a moment they were sure her eyes glowed yellow. "So?"

"Is that all you are going to say, so what?"

"It's not like his small dicked opinion counts."

Jerry stifled laughter as he moved down a couple of steps towards the stage. "Ms. Vecchio, do you mind telling the folks here today what happened to you and Mrs. Vecchio?"

She let out a suffering sigh with a role of her eyes. "Five days ago we had an accident. Ray caught us in bed, and threw her out. It's not like they were in love or anything, she was just using him to get pregnant. You really didn't think she could love that bald idiot did you?" She defended herself against the constant set of boos. "Enough!" Frannie's head whipped around on them hissing as a green chunk fell from her cheek on to the floor.

The audience went into dry heaves.

After a few moments of fighting with his gag reflex, Jerry got himself back under control. "Uh, oh god, um, Frannie, can you tell us what happened to your festering... uh I mean face?"

"As I told you, she was kicked out of her home by that lousy brother of mine. So she had to move in with me. Well as you can see, Stella's body swells up real big with rashes because of the pregnancy and a STD that bastard brother of mine gave her so she has to take special medication for it. Our stuff got mixed together and one evening before bed, I accidentally put on her cream instead of mine. I woke up the next morning looking like the creature from the black lagoon. Doctor told me it is a Fungal infection that will dry up soon. In fact it is dying off as we speak. He said chunks of the infected areas will continue to flake off as the new parts grow in. Mean while poor Stella in all her stress has bloated and turned a bright red."

"Is that why she looks like tickle me Elmo with a blonde permanent?" Snickering filled the soundstage as Stella tried to glare through her puffy cheeks.


"Thank you for clearing that up... I mean I am glad there is no more confusion. So now back to the topic at hand. Do you know why you are here?"

"Yes, we are here to tell Ray that Stella is having his baby, but I will raise her as my own."

"Ooooooooo!" A collective response from the audience.

"Well what do you say we bring Ray out, come on folks, give a warm round of applause for Ray Vecchio."

The muscular spiky blonde walked out on stage being poked along by stage hands with cattle prods and naked as a Jay bird. "What the BLEEP is goin on here?"

"Uh your sister and your wife would like to say something to you."

"I aint got no sister, and I sure in hell never married either of them freaks."

"Now Mr. Vecchio."

"Kowalski! I am Ray Kowalski, how many times must I tell your brainless goons I am RAY BLEEPING KOWALKSI!!!"

Jerry smiled sheepishly as the man stood with his hands on his hips glaring at him. A camera panned up behind Ray catching a sight of Jerry from between the nude man's legs. "Mr. Kowalski, didn't your mother ever tell you it's not nice to point?"

Ray looked down and blushed furiously while he covered himself. "Fraser!"

Another red man bounded in to the studio with several guards trying to hold him back. "Ray!"

"Frase, these guys kidnapped me. They thought I was Vecchio."

"I know, I was there too." Fraser turned to face Jerry. "Do you care to explain what is going on here?"

Jerry rubbed his forehead again as he sighed into the microphone. "Oh my, could you please bring out two chairs, one for Mr. Fraser here and one for Ray Kowalski. Oh and for heaven's sake, get them something to wear. Commercial, commercial!"

Coming back from the commercial brake, we see Ray sitting on Ben's lap wrapped in his arms like a stereotypical frightened woman. Jerry is kneeling at the foot of the stage talking to them.

"Now please Mr. Kowalski, tell us what happened."

"Oh Jerry it was terrible, we were in the middle of a shower when those two goons busted in and dragged me out. I was so cold, they threw me in the back of a dark non descript van and brought me here. Every time I tried to tell them something, they stung me with their damned cattle prods. Oh it was awful." He blew his nose on a tissue Jerry handed him.

"So would you say this experience scarred you for life?"

"BLEEP yeah, those god BLEEPING damned cattle prods left BLEEPING scars all over my BLEEP!"

"Of course you know they are a separate organization, and have no legal relation to our show. They are related to our former guest casting director. She was personally dealt with." He smiled at Ray's grin. "Any who, now that you are here, care to give us your opinion on the situation with Frannie and Stella?"

"They are here?" Ray sat up but kept back in Fraser's arms.

"Yeah, they are right over there." He pointed behind the couple towards the women.

Ray took one look at them and ran off stage holding his stomach and mouth. Ben went pale, and joined him as Frannie winked causing a green liquid to ooze from the corner of her eye.

"Well as disturbing a picture they make, that is not the reason behind today's show. Since we are unable to locate the real Ray Vecchio, we have called in their priest to aid with Stella and Frannie in their future plans. Come on out Father Verti."

A tall old priest came on stage waving with his one hand that did not hold a bible, to the roaring crowd. As he neared Stella and Frannie, he stopped in mid step. Eyes wide, he muttered a curse and crossed himself. He quickly reached in his robe and withdrew a bottle of water. Shaking the water at Frannie, he spoke reverently. "Oh curse of Satan, I condemn thee. Begone from this poor child!"

Frannie stood with her arms out. "Father, it's me, Frannie."

"Back spawn of hell! Return from whence thou came foul demon!"

"You might as well quit while you're ahead padre, it don't work on her." Ray Vecchio came up to the stunned old priest and took the water from him. "Neither do crosses or silver."

"Vecchio, my son, what is this creature?"

"That's what I ask ma every time I see her. It's Frannie." Vecchio smirked at the evil eye his sister was giving him. "Hey sis, still molding I see."

Jerry was with the rest of the audience in stunnedville. "You are the real Ray Vecchio?"

"Well I sure in hell aint Kowalski. Why did your goons nab the wrong guy?"

A sheepish grin appeared on Jerry's face. "Kinda like that."

"S'okay, it happens. So what did ya want to tell me? I aint on here for my health. I mean I get this call from some studio girl who has a pretty voice and I figure what the hell, might as well at least enjoy the time away from work." He takes the vacant seat next to the priest that was originally for Kowalski. Both of which are on the opposite side of the stage from Frannie and Stella. "What did Grendle and My little Pony want?"

"Watch it linguini dick!"

"Ooo I'm so scared, the Blob's understudy is threatening me!"

Stella rolled her massive bulk to her feet and with each step the water glasses on the table dividing them shook. The guards tried to stop her, but were reluctant to touch her hive covered body. Soon she was standing face to bulge with Vecchio. "I am warning you Ray!"

"What are you going to do, sit on me? If you sat now, I would have to arrest you for killing have the audience with your fat ass!"

Stella's face started to tremble, and her eyes teared up. Ray started to regret his words but in the next instant she was on him. His screams were silenced as she rolled over him causing him to disappear in her flailing fists and blubbery body.

Over to the side of the stage Frannie, the Priest, and Jerry were watching wincing at the scene of disgusting carnage. "It's like watching a slug try and eat itself."

Frannie nodded at the Priest. "A really big red one."

By now the audience were filling their trash cans again.

Ray and Ben stumbled out of the bathroom, took one look at Stella trying to crush/beat the hell out of Ray, and went back into the bathroom.

Jerry looked at one of his assistants and nodded. The camera panned in on his face. "Oh okay, we will be back after these messages. Don't go away." Then he went back to staring in morbid fashion at the human blob on the stage.

Back from commercial.

Jerry is standing on the stage, to one side of him is Ray Vecchio and the priest whispering. On the other side is Stella strapped in an up right chair, strait jacket, and mask. Frannie is sitting next to her stroking her hand and glaring at Ray Vecchio who was actively rubbing various body parts that had perfect bite marks on them.

"Welcome back to hell. I am your host Jerry Satan and these damned are my guests. Let's skip over all the other torture and spare our viewers any more night mares. Stella, tell Ray what you are here to tell him so we can cart your ass back to the stables... I mean home."

Stella glared at him over the mask.

"Don't even think it sister. I got a box of Morton's Salt and I am not afraid to use it." When Stella tried to bite through the mask he smacked her with a rolled up news paper handed to him by one of the guards. "Stop it! Now behave!"

"I want out of this, you can't do this to me, I am an attorney."

"A lawyer?" The audience gasped in shock.

"Oh BLEEP this Bleep! Ray she is having your baby. She and Frannie want to raise her as their own. Father Verti is here to help you work through this and find out what is best for the poor thing, now get the hell off my show! You people are too weird, even for my tastes." As the growling and grumbling troupe were led off, or wheeled off in Stella's case, Jerry spoke again to the camera. "My next guest is from Canada, but lives here in the great city of Chicago. He, yes I did say he, wants to tell his lover about their little bundle of joy on the way. Welcome Constable Renfield Turnbull of the RCMP as he tells us his story."

All the clapping was silenced as the house lights went out and a spot light focused on the door. The door opened and music started to play. They went ooo and ah as a long bare leg appeared followed by the stunning creature with big eyes.

In a silk, sequined dress with spaghetti straps and a pair of heels, Renfield stalked down the stairs to the stage, tossing a Locke of shoulder length hair behind his shoulder. He put the microphone to his mouth and started to sing. "I was born in the wagon of a traveling show..."

Cut to commercial as he stalks across the stage regaling the crowd in a slightly altered version of the Cher song.

Coming back from commercial. Renfield is bowing accepting the roses as they are thrown.

"Thank you Mr. Turnbull, that was very... well I don't know what it was, but it was something. Now, you have something to say to somebody special. Before you do, I just have to ask, what is with this Cher get up?"

Turnbull smiled as he licked his lips, a toss of his head and the stray lock went behind his head. "Well Jerry, I was instructed by my superior Inspector Thatcher..."

"The same Meg Thatcher that has been on our show before?"

"That is her, in fact she is sitting in the front row." Suddenly his face went bright red. "Oh dear, I wasn't supposed to say that."

"Let me get this straight, she ordered you to come on this show in drag?"

"That is not exactly correct. She told me if I did anything to embarrass her or the Canadian Government, I would be looking for a new queen to work for. During my lunch brake I searched for Queens on the Internet. I met this lovely lady named Marilyn, just Marilyn. After fifteen minutes I had a new job and new name."

"So would you say this being forced to get a new job was a good thing?"

"Yes, it was very liberating. I have also gained new insight to Inspector Thatcher."

"How so?" Jerry was now sitting next to Ren.

"I have discovered why Inspector Thatcher always spends so much time in her office. I was on my lunch brake when I was being interviewed. Time ran short and I was forced to rush and put back on my uniform. I am more than a little ashamed to admit this, for it is not part of the Mountie uniform. I was wearing a thong when I saw the time. So for the rest of the day I wore that tiny piece of material." By now he was blushing furiously. "Until that day I had no idea what a thong was. When I discovered several in the Inspector's desk one day while looking for files, she told me it was a sling shot. At the time I was inclined to agree with her, the shape and amount of material was certainly in accordance with the sling shot. Out of curiosity I asked for a demonstration of it's use."

Jerry was leaning over with rapt attention as was the audience. "What happened?"

"Detective Vecchio came in, she slammed the drawer shut, and that was the last I heard of it. However before she closed the drawer, I saw other things I have since learned the names of. I asked her what they were and she lied to me about them. Said they were paper weights. Detective Vecchio asked her what the rattling sound coming from her desk was, and she lied again, said they were just some power tools. All the while she was kicking the drawer trying to turn off the device. She only succeeded in activating more them. It was not long before her desk was shaking and sounding like a construction site."

A woman in a hat, blonde wig, and Julia Robert's 'Pretty Woman' out fit stood up in the front row. "That is a lie!"

This took the attention of everybody in the studio. "Oh, would you like to offer your side of things, Inspector?"

Her leather boots crackled as she strutted up on stage and took a seat next to Jerry. "Ms. Nosy Nancy over there went snooping in to my desk. He happened to find my change of clothes I had left there after a party. It was another week before the sex toy incident."

"No, I am telling you, it happened that same day. Your slamming the drawer is what set it off to begin with."

"No and yes, it wasn't the same day, but the slamming of the desk drawer activated them."

"No, after that day, I was too embarrassed to go in there or ask you about the thongs."

"Oh, you're right. Silly me, it was six months ago, and so much happened since then, that it slipped my mind. It was Fraser the following week that the same thing happened with."

As this was going on, Jerry and the audience were watching like a tennis match. Eyes and heads moving between the two of them as they spoke. "So are you saying this really happened?"

"What, yes it happened.... Oh dear, I think I will just be leaving." With a look around, she jumped from her chair and strutted off the stage blowing kisses to the cheering audience.

"Well I must say, this is a day for weirdness. We will be right back after these messages." The camera pans out across the audience as they cheer and shout Jerry.

Coming back, the camera focuses on Jerry sitting next to a nervous Turnbull. "So you were saying before the circus acts, that you have something to tell someone special."

"Yes." He blushed again as he looked down at his lap. "I'm pregnant."

The audience gasped.

"How is this possible?"

"I am so ashamed to admit it. I took advantage of a drunken situation. He was just so cute, and I have wanted him for so long. It wasn't something I set out to do, it just happened. I told him we shouldn't have been drinking, but he wouldn't listen to me."

"That isn't what I meant, but this is very interesting. So who did you seduce?"

"He had just came in from a bad case. I tried to console him as best I could, but he was already drunk when he came in and it didn't take much more before he was hitting on me. Everyone knows I can't hold my liquor so I was going along with whatever he said. Soon we were in the Inspector's office and on her desk I got pregnant."

"That still leaves both my questions unanswered. Who did it and how is it possible?"

"The how is my own secret, but the who is simple, Detective Vecchio."

A shrill cry rang out from the side of the stage as red blob charged on stage at the sulking Cher. She was followed by said detective. Both were screaming at him and trying to get him, as the guards held them at bay.

Jerry was on the other side of the studio in a heart beat. "Are you telling me it was that Detective Vecchio that knocked you up?"

"Heavens no, I have better taste than that."

"What, I'm not good enough for ya, Turnybull?"


"Let me at him, I'm gonna kill him." Ray Vecchio was trying to hurt him, but was only succeeding in injuring the guards in his struggles.

As the fighting Vecchios were being held at bay by the new lion tamers, Ray Kowalski and Fraser came out of the bathroom. "What is going on here? Turnbull is that you?"

"Constable Turnbull?"

"Constable Fraser, Detective Vecchio!"

"That's the guy you called Vecchio?" Jerry was stunned, then something hit him. "By the way, did some company called guest getters call you looking for a Detective Vecchio?"

Turnbull nodded.

"I thought so."

"What the hell is going on here? Why are Mr. and Mrs. Noodle dick trying to get at Turnbull. And why is said Mountie dressed like Cleopatra?"

"Ray I believe it is Cher he is supposed to be dressed as."

"Whatever, what the hell is going on here?"

Vecchio stopped fighting as everything became clear. "Wait a minute, are you telling me that you called the spiky reject by my name?"

"Yes, Detective Vecchio."

"Hey, who you calling a reject, pasta puss?"

"And he is the one you seduced, not me?"

"Yes, Detective Vecchio."

"That means... Congrats Stanley, you're gonna be a pop."

"What the hell are you going on about?"

"You knocked up the klutz." Vecchio was beaming now. "I can't believe it, you, Stanley Raymond Kowalski got Renfield Turnbull pregnant. What are the odds? I got any takers on 5 to 1 odds that Fraser will kick both their asses for this one?" As the crowds started to hand over their money, Ray and Fraser stood staring at the blushing Turnbull.

"Ray, Constable Turnbull."

"Yes, Frase?"


"Is it true?"

"I don't remember?"

"Yes, sir."

"Ray, Constable Turnbull."

"Yeah Frase?"


"Start running."

"Now, hold on a minute, I don't remember. It might have happened, then again it might not have. When did it happen?"

"Five months ago, just after Detective Vecchio came back."

"Ah, okay. Fraser."

"Yes Ray?"

"Give me to the count of three."


"Oh shit!"

"Agreed, Detective Vecchio."

"That is Kowalski you idiot, now run!"

Camera follows them as they run out of the studio, Renfield in hills and gown, both Ray and Fraser still in the buff. It stills for a moment then switches over to Jerry who is standing against the crowd as they are still placing bets.

"And now for today's final thought. Should you try to hide your pregnancy or is it unethical to not tell the father. Wait a minute, who writes this BLEEPING shit? Today's final thought would be, oh god, why me? What is this, a Ray Stevens convention? We got It's Me Again Margaret Thatcher, Mississippi Squirreled Vecchios, The Streaks, and Get Turnbull. That does it, I quit, this BLEEPING BLEEP is just too BLEEPING weird for me. I have had it with all these lunatics..."


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